The Style Invitational Week 878 Safety in blunders
Making the country more secure (not)
By The Empress
Saturday, July 17, 2010; C02
Require all suitcases to be see-through.
Indeed, there are lots of bad
people out there who want to get us. And indeed, there are lots of bad ideas
about how to prevent them from doing it. This week: Tell us a way to make the
nation more secure, as in the sensible suggestion above by Loser Peter
Metrinko, who proposed this contest. Note: While we love pointed political humor,
we are looking for jokes, not screedy rants, and especially not racist rants.
They are not funny and we like funny.
Winner gets the Inker, the
Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this handsome 12-by-15-inch
signthat will designate your home, office, latrine, etc., as a Loser-friendly
site. Donated by Occasional Loser Thad Humphries of Way Out There in Rural
Virginia.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable Mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
Magnets. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your
entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, July 26. Put "Week 878" in the subject line of your e-mail,
or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality.
All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited
for taste or content. Results to be published Aug. 14. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not
eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised
title for next week's results is by Dave Prevar; this week's honorable-mentions
subhead is by Jeff Contompasis.
Report from Week 874, in which we asked to compose Facebook "status lines" that
included at least seven words and phrases from a list of 50 we supplied. You'll
notice that some entries have as much to do with anyone's "status" as
most of the lines do on the actual Facebook.
The words: glop; rash; Lady
Gaga; swerve; tapas; BP; ginormous; museum; dental; frisky; wireless;
infomercial; asparagus; tuba; goalie; hyperventilate; pineapple; squishy;
projectile; dinner; tea bag; harpsichord; Cuisinart; New Yorker cartoon; Metro;
muskrat; vacation; Lindsay; strewn; ziti; zit; Secretariat; Tupperware; apple;
escalator; trophy; Slurpee; effete; acid-free; parental control; venison;
fastball; martini; status; otter; bicuspid; Fenty; anagram; chronic; Santa.
The winner of the Inker
Stopping to hyperventilate on
my climb up the "escalator" -- Metro-speak for "metal stair
museum" -- now in its chronic status: on vacation. (Dudley Thompson, Cary,
N.C., formerly of Rockville)
2.the winner of "Prez
BaRock," basically a rock sitting at a little Oval Office desk: D.C. has
more chronic problems than a Metro escalator, but as long as Congress exerts
parental control on the District, Mayor Fenty is less likely to succeed than a
hockey goalie trying to get dental insurance. (Ward Kay, Vienna)
3. W00T! Got Bluetooth
wireless implanted in my bicuspid today. No more effete "Lt. Uhura"
museum pieces or chronic ear infections for me! Weird -- a call came in and my
mouth just went all squishy. The batteries in this thing are acid-free, right?
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
4.Which one of the following
is NOT a euphemism? (1) "bacon-wrapped asparagus"; (2) "burped
her Tupperware"; (3) "bottomless slurpee"; (4) "the
goalie's out of the crease"; (5) "made a tuba player
hyperventilate"; or (6) "bypassed her parental controls"? (Kevin
Dopart, Washington)
Weakened updates: Honorable mentions
At dinner, my date showed me
her New Yorker cartoon contest entry: Her effete punch line was that the
anagram of "a pineapple" is "an apple pie." My Facebook
status remains "single and looking." (Ward Kay)
Contracted a ginormous case of
"BP rash" on vacation. "Down south" is strewn with oily,
squishy zits. (Jeff Contompasis)
Mayor Fenty (when he's not on
vacation) wants us to believe he's a chronic Santa, with his largess strewn all
over the metro area. What a bunch of asparagus. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
My teenager is on vacation at
the beach, out of parental control. Am I worried that, like a zit-covered
fastball, he'll make a beeline to some wild party serving martini slurpees to
14-year-olds? Nah. The beach house has wireless -- he'll spend the whole time
IM'ing his friends how he knows we're at home hyperventilating over him. (Russ
Taylor, Vienna)
I hear that Rep. Joe Barton
plans a dinner to present BP with a ginormous conservation trophy for its
success in protecting otters and muskrats from the oily glop it spilled into
the Gulf of Mexico. (Pam Sweeney, St. Paul, Minn.)
Hey, this morning I'm 10
years acid-free! And I feel great. Except for a little hyperventilating when
the ginormous harpsichord-playing otter comes over for martinis. And I wouldn't
even mind that, if he could play something other than Lady Gaga. (Russ Taylor)
You can put the
"apple" in "pineapple," you can put the "zit" in
"ziti," you can even put the "BP" in "bicuspid"
-- but try to put the "F" in "way" and they'll tell you
there's no "F" in "way." And when I saw this status
contest, I said that too. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
Can anyone help a
zit-faced tuba player with a chronic body rash get a trophy wife who looks like
Lindsay Lohan? The case of "Hung Like Secretariat" lotion I bought
didn't work out. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
An idea for a New Yorker
cartoon: It's Christmas vacation, and an effete pair are out to dinner,
stirring their martinis with asparagus stalks. One says, "By the way, I've
been seeing Santa." The other asks wryly, "Oh? Claus or
Barbara?" (Dudley Thompson)
There are ways to improve
your manly status during your beach vacation. You could put a squishy apple or
a relatively calm otter down the front of your Speedo, but even better would be
strewing a BP executive trophy head or two along the shore. (Kevin Dopart)
Health status update: Just
back from doctor: Had to remove a projectile from my mouth; extensive dental
work needed. Note to self: Do not trash-talk Strasburg's fastball -- missing
two bicuspids, lookin' like the Caps' goalie! Santa, all I want for Christmas
is two front teeth. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Next week: Fail us, or Duh things we do